PART VI: Visit to Another Planet
As you may have guessed, El Hyena has just returned from another planet, known as Greater Metropolitan Houston. While some of you may believe that Houston is a large city located in the same state as our beloved Port O’Connor, El Hyena knows that it is in fact located on another planet, although travel time is a mere three hours, give or take, depending on whether or not one chooses to abide by inter-planetary speed limits.
The occasion for El Hyena’s visit was the celebration of his mother’s (aka The Momma Lady) 80th birthday. Although her husband (El Hyena’s long-suffering yet remarkably forgiving father) and children, et al. celebrate her birthdays, The Momma Lady grudgingly acknowledges them. Along with her many other outstanding attributes, The Momma Lady is a good sport.
Actually, El Hyena spent many years living in and around Houston until his escape in 1991. During those years, El Hyena thought that Houston was a semi-normal place but, with the gradual accumulation of age and wisdom, El Hyena has learned better. Fortunately, El Hyena’s parents live in The Woodlands which, although geographically close to Houston, is quite different. El Hyena’s parents moved into The Woodlands in 1979, when it was a brand new, itty bitty community. Much has changed, however, as El Hyena estimates The Woodlands to now be populated by close to a jillion people, most of whom drive like maniacs in high-end European cars and SUVs. The best thing about The Woodlands is that it now has just about everything, making it unnecessary for residents to go to Houston except, perhaps, to get to their jobs.
After living in the same house for thirty-four years, El Hyena’s parents recently moved into a senior community known as The Forum, which sounds so much nicer than Geriatric Gulag. It is a very nice place and El Hyena’s parents like it very much; they are quite pleased with their new easy-going lifestyle. While the Forum offers several levels of assisted living if needed, El Hyena’s parents are thankfully capable of living independently. Fiercely independent does not even begin to describe it. One must be careful in these senior communities, else he be run down by a member of a notorious electric scooter gang. These scooters are provided at little or no cost to them.
El Hyena thoroughly enjoys visiting The Folks, as he is embarrassingly pampered and praised. He is told what a good son he is (and always has been), which El Hyena realizes involves generous and intentional lapses in memory. Incidents for which The Folks once would have killed or exiled El Hyena are now, with the passage of time and expiration of various statutes of limitation, amusing and even “cute”. Apparently, it takes many years for Boys to be allowed to be Boys.
El Hyena’s visits to his parents are the only times he watches television. This involves watching one or two minutes of many different programs until something “we” want to watch is located and/or The Momma Lady gains possession of the remote. This weekend we watched football games and a golf tournament. We watched the Texans in one game because J.J. Watts is a very nice young man, and the New York Giants in another because Eli Manning is from The Folks’ home state of Mississippi (he’s also a very nice young man). When watching football, we don’t like players with long hair and tattoos, or who prance and dance. We watched the golf tournament because Tiger Woods was losing badly (we don’t like him). We used to watch the Astros, but not anymore because the new owner is an idiot. The Momma Lady used to be a huge Astros fan, and she could tell you where all of the players lived and to whom they were married. She once built a shrine to Nolan Ryan in her back yard, and was devastated when he went to the Rangers. She liked Roger Clemens until he betrayed her by selling out and going to the Yankees.
As you may have guessed, when The Momma Lady decides she doesn’t like somebody, it’s forever.
El Hyena also reads The Houston Chronicle, which reaffirms the fact that Houston is actually located on another planet. During his visits, El Hyena is the first to wake up, whereupon he immediately reads the entire newspaper. The Momma Lady then joins him and reads the newspaper as well, helpfully folding certain sections to give to El Hyena so he can re-read certain “interesting” articles. This weekend’s fascinating topic of interest was Johnny Football. In case you were wondering, The Momma Lady is not an Aggie Fan, although she does like the head coach because he came from the University of Houston and The Momma Lady liked Bill Yeoman because he was nice to some friends of hers.
Finally, each day ends with watching The News, which is always Channel 13 because we like Dave Ward, and this experience emphasizes, in glorious high definition, that Houston is in fact located on another planet. Either that or inhabited by people from a different planet. Judging from the conversation, El Hyena realizes that The Momma Lady also watches Fox News, but she is polite enough not to do so when El Hyena is present. Either that or she is frustrated that El Hyena does not always agree with what she “learns” from watching Fox News.
All kidding aside, El Hyena is very, very grateful that he is still able to visit his parents, and wouldn’t miss spending time with them for the world. El Hyena benefits from the supervision, both from The Folks and the two younger brothers. The brothers won’t admit it, of course, but they both know The Momma Lady likes El Hyena best.
