On Fishing

El Hyena has decided to write about fishing, which is a happier subject matter than previous topics. El Hyena loves to fish, and spends as much time as he can (within reason) fishing. El Hyena also knows that fishing is cheaper than a psychiatrist.

This sometimes results in a contradiction, however. El Hyena fishes to maintain his sanity, but it sometimes makes him crazy. OK, crazier.

El Hyena feels like he ought to be catching more fish, which would not be hard to do because in the last month he has caught none (zip, zilch, nada). El Hyena is perplexed by this, as he is a self-proclaimed expert at fishing. His boat is sufficiently snazzy, he has all the right gear and he dresses appropriately. He uses all the right $9.00 lures in the most enticing colors. In other words, El Hyena spends vast sums of money in pursuit of fish. He devotes countless hours to fishing, time which a more responsible and self-disciplined person might think would be better suited to other activity that might benefit society. But what do they know?

El Hyena studies the weather reports and scrutinizes all the charts and tables. He reads fishing magazines, and asks other fishermen for advice. He goes to all the right places (the ones easiest to get to) at all the right times (when he feels like it). Some would say El Hyena might catch more fish if he’d get his lazy butt out of the boat and wade, as opposed to drift fishing. El Hyena is just too old and lazy to wade fish, but he is very stealthy and scientific about his drift fishing.

El Hyena has been fishing Port O’Connor waters for years, and has enjoyed respectable success in years past. Until last year, that is, which was a less than satisfactory year for El Hyena’s fishing. El Hyena has heard other fishermen express a similar experience, which makes El Hyena feel better. Misery loves company.

One would think, therefore, that there must be a reasonable and logical explanation for El Hyena’s recent lack of fishing success. Perhaps it’s been too windy or the wrong barometric pressure. Maybe the tides haven’t been moving enough, or the water temperature has been too low. It might be that the water clarity has been wrong, or the presence of terrified jumping mullet has been lacking. Finally, although they would be completely mistaken, some might say El Hyena has been fishing in the wrong places at the wrong times, using the wrong bait with the wrong technique.

El Hyena knows the real reason, however. Obviously, El Hyena is being victimized by a vast, sinister global conspiracy intended to deprive El Hyena of his God-given, unalienable rights. So who are these malicious conspirators? Is it Islamofascists? The Anglo-Dutch oligarchy? The Bildebergs and Rothschilds? The Department of Homeland Security? Hilary Clinton and George Soros? RINOs? Wall Street? Union Thugs? The Liberal Media?

No, it’s not any of these “usual suspects”, although they are all guilty of something. El Hyena is certain, despite the absence of any verifiable facts or evidence, that his fishing, and indeed civilization itself, is being threatened by the Obama Administration, through CRIMINAL MALFEASANCE and IMPEACHABLE OFFENSES.

El Hyena is not going to take this lying down. Join El Hyena and other right-minded patriots next Saturday for El Hyena’s March for Liberty, when he and the rest are going to walk down Adams Street openly carrying their Waterloo weapons.