Sure, they may talk back, roll their eyes, and tune you out at times, but that moody, growing, changing, baffling kid needs you like crazy. In fact, there are mountains of research to find out what your school-age kid might tell you – if they did not have an image to maintain!
“You are the most important person in my life.”
As kids mature, they depend less on parents and gravitate toward peer groups for advice, affirmation, and approval. But never underestimate the amount of leverage you can continue to have in that child’s life. A survey asked teens who was most likely to influence their decisions about whether to have sex: friends or parents. Only 32 percent responded “friends” while 38 percent said “parents”!
“Teens who feel connected to their parents do better in school and experience fewer typical adolescent problems, such as emotional distress, drug use, and early sexual involvement,” according to researcher Dr. Christian Powell.
“I need boundaries.”
They may not openly thank you for having a set of house rules, but kids are happier and better adjusted when they know what is expected. Numerous studies have demonstrated the importance of establishing parameters for teens. Family rules and consistent discipline have been linked to lower rates of drug use and delinquency as well as better school performance. Guidelines on such things as curfew, Internet and cell phone use, television viewing, and household responsibilities vary widely from one home to the next. Communicate your policies clearly and enforce them consistently. More than 10 percent of parents never talk to their kids about drugs.
“I want to be noticed.”
Teenagers want attention even if it is bad! Divorce and long working hours often keep parents from being accessible to their children. A Nickelodeon survey reported 36 percent of kids said they would like to spend more time with their mothers, and 45 percent wished for more time with dad. They do not just want to hang at home, but do fun things like playing games, shopping, and going out to eat. No matter how independent your child acts, stay involved with his life, show interest in her activities, and be available when your teen is ready to talk.
“I am tempted to compromise just to fit in.”
It is no secret that most kids crave the acceptance of peers. While that is a normal desire, it can often lead to destructive behavior. In a Nickelodeon study, 42 percent of kids said fitting in was a major concern. and 37 percent admitted worrying a lot about being popular. Many kids also said they felt pressured by peers to cheat on schoolwork (48 percent), smoke pot (36 percent), and have sex (40 percent). Another study found that kids who are assertive in their convictions and know how to weigh the consequences of their actions are less likely to do “dumb things”, even if friends and siblings choose to do so.
“Those corny things we do are kind of cool.”
Whether it is hanging Christmas stockings or visiting a favorite fishing spot each summer, family traditions are important. Such practices bring family members together, promote interaction, create memories, and build common bonds. Various studies have associated family rituals and routines with providing personal identity, improving overall health and academic achievement, and building strong family relationships. Even the simple act of sitting at a dinner table without a blaring television is very beneficial. It does not have to be a home-cooked meal, but the dinner table brings lower incidence of smoking, drinking, drug use, depression, academic problems, and eating disorders.
“You are my hero.”
Kids truly look for role models in their own homes. Of kids who reported a role model, 40 percent named a famous individual as their hero, while 42 percent named a parent. Those who knew their role models personally had higher grades and self-esteem than those who looked up to celebrities.
“Your stress affects me.”
No matter how hard a parent tires to conceal their anxiety, stress affects the entire family. Whether the stress is over money issues, relational problems, or is work related, kids suffer right alongside their parents. It is a wise parent who can learn to “chill out” before they arrive home, or who will take their disagreements to a distant place for discussions! Kids do not need to become involved in adult matters; they simply do not know how to handle them and many problems begin in this environment.
“I need you to interfere.”
Parents often walk a tightrope of trying to nurture without stifling their children’s grown sense of autonomy. I told my children I would say “No!” any time without knowing the question! My kids say that has helped them on more than one occasion to be able to say, “Dad says ‘No’”! Kids move toward greater independence, which is a healthy and necessary part of preparing for adulthood. Yet kids are not yet adults, and they need parents’ love and guidance. At times, a parent’s best efforts are met with resistance and pleas of, “Let me live my own life,” and “Stop treating me like a kid.” But, our interference will help them along the road to maturity. Our interference is to help them develop discernment so they can make good decisions on their own – choosing healthy relationships instead of following the wrong crowd.
According to an Ohio State University study, kids who have supervision and a good relationship with parents are less likely to associate with delinquents and troublemakers. Some scholars have suggested that parents exert virtually no influence on their children’s behaviors when they are young – peers are more important. However, parents can act as architects of the friendship choices their kids make.
As we learn what kids need from us to properly mature, we will make a difference that will last several generations. Most delinquent kids come from delinquent parents, and most well adjusted kids are being nurtured by parents who truly care!
