Being a dad is tough! It is ridiculously easy to become a parent, but then comes the hard part. That precious new joy doesn’t come with directions. If it is a boy child, you worry they will be just like you, and if it is a daughter you fear they will fall for someone like you. But seriously, the job of nurturing in the father role is no joke. Are you tough enough to be a Father. Can you correct and guide, use punishment and consequences wisely, offer wisdom and convince your child to apply it to life?
The Father is the first image a child has of authority, of God, of leadership and of power. Used wisely, the father’s influence brings security and comfort and strong self-worth as well as a healthy view of authority. Used poorly, that influence causes fear and debilitating insecurity, inability to submit to others including God, and unwillingness to humbly seek help from others.
Tough Fathers are able to find a balance of rules and authority without crushing a child’s spirit or growing independence. It is the toughness of steel without a blade, able to mold and shape and change a young life without cutting and scarring it in the process. If you have been too permissive, set parameters and hold their hands and their hearts as they learn to accept them. If you have been too rigid or even leaning towards abusive, growth and development are on your side. If your offspring is still in your life, take steps to reestablish and repair the relationship and offer a kinder more generous toughness in your Father role. Take time to care for the child first and the lesson learned second.
Just after her 16th birthday, my sister wrecked my Daddy’s first new car he had in years. She totaled a week old 80’s sedan while adjusting the radio station. Amazingly, when she called my Daddy in tears and told him, he immediately asked are you and the friends okay? Can you get home? He comforted her and told her he loved her more than any car. After the car was towed and the tears were dry, she was grounded from driving and given a few extra consequences. She never feared that she would mess up big enough for him to not love her. It was a life lesson well learned.
Even harder to manage in our world may be the need for tenderness to be a Daddy. Daddy’s laugh and play and wear tiaras to tea parties and boots to stick horse bucking contests. They are willing to stoop to the toddler, child or teenager level to enter into the life and world of their growing child. They don’t mind looking silly or soft for the sake of their little one.
My Daddy once hauled the Easter Pageant goat to the grade school for Show and Tell Tuesday in the front seat of an old jeep we owned just because his baby asked him. There he was in his 3-piece suit and polished shoes walking a goat on a leash. You can bet he felt silly. But he did it joyfully!
Tender Daddies cry real tears, give real hugs and spend real time with their children. They never babysit or ‘watch’ their children. They are vitally involved in their lives and their interests, and want to spend time with them. Yes, I know, they work and mow and pay bills and fix cars and houses and boats and their time is short and very precious. But nothing needing your attention could be more precious than that growing life you sired.
A baby for less than 700 days, a toddler for 1400 more, a school child for 100,000 hours and then they are grown and gone. The hours fly by and the chance is past. It is an opportunity you can never get back. The greatest thing is even a so-so, ho-hum Daddy is better than no Daddy at all.
Maybe you have missed many of those days and milestones. Don’t worry. Children are full of new opportunities and chances. Maybe you were working or away when diaper changing and first steps occurred. Well, first day of school or first t-ball game, first heartbreak or first job is just around the corner. Get with it. Be there, be involved, be a Daddy wherever they are now.
My Daddy took four daughters fishing in the mountains every year. When we were little he roasted marshmallows and picked wildflowers and taught us how to fish. As children he took us on picnics and taught us to clean those fish. Some of us learned to like it. As teens, Daddy dutifully toted the huge boom box with the latest music he hated on the fishing trip, and taught us to drive the mountain roads and read topographical maps of the mountain ranges.
Daddy’s daughters could not have been more different; I remember one year when his Christmas shopping consisted of a ballerina doll for the baby, a pocketknife of her own for the tomboy, a piano for the musician and a learn-to-drive car for the oldest. But somehow he made a way to not only know what each would love, but entered into the joy of her choice and shared it with her.
So, if you had a great Father, then you understand authority and respect the Father role. If you didn’t, forgive him and resolve to do better yourself. Take time to teach and correct with an iron hand of moral rightness and fine character. Just remember to wear soft gloves on that iron hand. Be a Daddy, say they are loved and show it in what you do and don’t do. Punish with reason and control, praise and reward with purpose and proportion.
And remember that their mother is someone you must love and respect whatever your relationship with her is or isn’t. A Father’s job is to love their mother regardless; they can only be whole if you are a Tough Father and a Tender Daddy…the perfect combination to see children become caring self-reliant healthy adults. And just wait. If you do your job well, you will enjoy some grandchildren! They are the best reward for raising responsible kids responsibly.
Happy Father’s Day and hope you had a Delightful Daddy’s Day!
