Let us be perfectly honest – not every family gathering is an exercise in kindness, gentleness, and self-control.
Oh, and joy – let us not forget joy, particularly the “joy” we feel when a kid grabs the remote after the meal and flips on mindless cartoons rather than the football game of the century that we really wanted to see.
Consequently, a typical Thanksgiving or Christmas gathering may leave us more weary and emotionally drained than refreshed and grateful we had believed the trip would be.
At my university class titled “Abnormal Psychology” we learned that no one had any chance of being normal – we all have just too many factors that will drive us off course! Our professor asked, “Why do we teach functional as the norm when most every family is dysfunctional?”
So, when we gather this holiday season, we must realize that virtually every family is experiencing some level of discomfort. We can easily imagine the neighbors’ lives are like a Hallmark commercial, when, in reality, most people can relate more to a flawed, stressed-out sitcom family.
As an “ole” pastor, I have the strange privilege of peering behind the illusion of perfection to where the deep secrets of family dysfunction and the pain associated with its presence lurks. It is easy to see that dysfunction is tenacious, but survivable. But the sad truth is, even the best-laid plans of even pastors’ homes sometimes go awry. We end up irritable, passive-aggressive, and fighting over the remote. So how do we arrive on the island of contentment before embarking on the voyage of family chaos? To survive the holiday gatherings, allow me to suggest two vital components.
The first, I call spiritual preparation. There is an Old Testament King of Israel, King Rehoboam, who made the mistake of failing to prepare his heart before an important encounter. The Bible says, “He did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the Lord.” Are we guilty of bringing our gunk to the family dinner and expecting that it will not show itself?
Everyone who faces a challenge successfully did so because they were prepared. A football team will never win without difficult practices. A musician will never get the applause without hours of solitary practice. A family will never find harmony until they are at peace within themselves. A heart that is overflowing with the love, joy, peace, and patience that we want will only come from inside a heart that is prepared to share love, joy, peace and patience!
The second, I call emotional preparation. One can not hear the cries of hurting people very long before we must say, “You can not allow others to dictate how you feel.” Individually we have the personal responsibility of caring for and directing our own heart; we can not rely on others to do this for us. Walking around with our hearts in our hands, offering it to others to validate or recognize, is often just a desperate ploy for attention. That attention will not make one feel complete, but fragmented!
We must prepare our hearts for the gathering. We must take time to play the soccer match that keeps us sane. Take time to relax before the trip. Treat yourself to something out of the ordinary special. Do what is necessary to care for your heart so that it is not so easily bruised when someone snatches the remote from your turkey-greased fingers.
A change in you will change the environment you find yourself in. It will not make other family members any more functional, but it will help you handle the stress with true love!
