Part X: Special Holiday Edition
As we all know, ‘tis the Season, so to speak. Every year, beginning at Halloween and ending sometime after Christmas, Americans celebrate a truly glorious and important time period in which we experience the True Meaning of Christmas.
In times past, the True Meaning of Christmas centered around the long ago birth date of a genuinely virtuous man who inspired a new religion centered around what was to become an enormous and powerful institution that provided guidelines for the people so they would know how to correctly live their lives. In short, this enormous and powerful institution realized the people required instruction in how to be good, as opposed to bad, so that they would be rewarded, as opposed to punished.
Although El Hyena is not himself a particularly religious person, he definitely does not disparage religion. El Hyena does not wish to step on any toes, nor does he seek to make War on Christmas. El Hyena just wants to make that clear, in case there are any doubts.
Anyway, as time passed the True Meaning of Christmas underwent a few adjustments and modifications. Sometime during the nineteenth century, some English person created Jolly Old Saint Nick, a/k/a Santa Claus, as an addition to the True Meaning of Christmas. This mythical person had the unique ability to spread Joy to the World, all in one single night, by employing genetically modified reindeer, courtesy of Monsanto, thus allowing him to visit every household on the planet and leaving gifts around a special tree installed in front of the fireplace (hopefully not too close). Note: at the home of El Hyena’s nephew, “gifts” does not do it justice; it would be more accurately described as “booty”. Because of this remarkable event, on Christmas morning children everywhere would learn whether they had been naughty or nice. El Hyena always wondered about this aspect of Christmas, as his childhood behavior was not always especially admirable. Not wishing to look a gift horse in the mouth, El Hyena skillfully, if not dubiously, prolonged his reverent belief in Santy Claus (as he’s known in Texas) until he was a senior in high school.
At some point, some ingenious person, probably American, discovered that Santa Claus could sell things, thus ushering in yet another welcome addition to the True Meaning of Christmas. People now realized that Santa Claus preferred certain products, such as soft drinks and electric razors, and he wanted us to enjoy the benefits of these products as well. This important historical development led to the creation of shopping malls and the Internet so that the True Meaning of Christmas could be realized. It became obvious that the people could not understand the True Meaning of Christmas without Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and After Christmas Sale Spectaculars.
Because of this, Thanksgiving has been largely incorporated into the True Meaning of Christmas. The Thanksgiving morning newspaper, for example, became the heaviest and most voluminous edition of the entire year. Local newscasts now feature riots at Walmart and helicopter video of crowded parking lots. E-mail inboxes are crammed with announcements of Exclusive Offers and Special Events. Retail enterprises offer less pumpkins, pilgrims, and cornucopia, and more Elves on the Shelf and special holiday themed pet costumes. While there may be dogs somewhere that tolerate and appreciate being dressed as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or the Grinch, El Hyena strongly suspects that his Faithful Companion, Lobo, is not one of them. Being attired in a red velvet, ermine trimmed, hooded cloak involves being still, which Lobo is not prone to do. But fear not, Lobo can also participate in the True Meaning of Christmas inasmuch as it involves swimming in frigid water and retrieving dead or dying waterfowl, which he dearly loves.
Having considered the above and foregoing, the more astute of El Hyena’s readers will conclude that the True Meaning of Christmas is all about Unfettered Free Market Capitalism. Real Americans know that not only is it the Reason for the Season, but it is our patriotic duty to support our economy by spending heavily and incurring huge oppressive debt. After all, we would not want our investors to be nervous or our consumers to lack confidence, as that might result in lower stock prices and executive compensation. This would detract from the True Meaning of Christmas.
Merry Christmas to All. Ho, ho, ho or, if you prefer, bah humbug. Don’t miss out on these Spectacular Savings.
