Dr. Van Bengstson of the University of California has committed much of his research to studying changes within families over generations, such as how morality is transmitted to children and grandchildren. From his studies he has learned that the key is consistent modeling of morality and meaningful parent-child relationships. “Warm, affirming parents, especially fathers, tend to be the most successful” in passing on their morals. He said that 6 in 10 children will adopt their parents’ morals as adults, and 4 in 10 grandchildren claim the same morals as their grandparents.
Consider these seven tips that can help turn the routine duties of parenting into a life that has moral and God-centered perspectives:
First: Abandon the idea of perfect parenting. We need to start with ourselves: When we fail, we can simply ask for forgiveness. This models how our children should respond when they make mistakes.
It is important to also set realistic goals and communicate these to our family members. When we live an honest and authentic life before our children – not the idea to “do as I say,” and not as I live – this will mature a compelling relationship with them in the future.
Second: Focus on the heart of the child – not just their behavior. We need to recognize that there is often something more below the surface of misbehavior. We can be open to finding that out with Godly wisdom. And when handing out discipline, we can maximize natural consequences (they have the greatest long-term impact), rather than using shame and guilt to motivate our children toward a certain behavior. Both shame and guilt ultimately destroy the inner spirit of the child and move them toward a downward pathway.
An older grandmother once told me as a young dad, “Remember, you are raising an adult; they will be children for a very short time!”
Third: Choose to worry less and talk with God more. Worry is an energy zapper and not part of God’s plan for our lives. It is critical to set aside time each day for a time of quiet reflection and meditation in God’s Word and prayer.
Fourth: Talk with (not at) your child every day. Looking our children in their eyes when speaking gives them great importance and value. When we listen with generosity to the things that are important to our children (which will be childish to us), we are building a trust relationship.
It is equally important to be aware of what is not being said and to ask questions that will allow our children to share their hearts. In order to do these things effectively, we will need to take time each day away from the interruptions and distractions of media or technology (television and phones steal family time and conversation).
Fifth: Be involved with like-minded parents. Getting involved with people with the same moral values (like being a part of the Chapel) gives our children a sense of belonging to a moral community with shared beliefs. We can also intentionally seek ways to meet neighbors with our same values to create play groups or outings. And do not be afraid to take time for ourselves to have conversations with other adults, guilt-free! We need some “grown-up” talk!
Sixth: Give your child a strong sense of identity. Bless children with positive words when identifying them. (Examples: “He is a good listener,” rather than, “He is just shy.” “She is creative and expressive,” rather than “She is just not really into sports.”) This will allow our children to see their individual qualities as gifts from God, not burdens to hide or bury.
Seventh: Create opportunities for your child to serve others. A heart of service begins with allowing our children to be exposed to the needs in the community around us. One of the greatest things we did with our children was to encourage them to go on missions trips to less developed nations. These were “eye-openers_ and helped us teach selflessness, and we helped our children determine their gifts as they put their talents into action for the sake of someone else.
I encourage each of you to start today to put these seven things into practice. At the end of the day, you will still feel exhausted as you drop into bed, but you will know that you have invested in what truly matters most: passing on your morals to your child. Ultimately, this is what makes your future brighter and easier as your children mature into adulthood and you see that they truly did learn some important life-lessons from you.
