Many have attempted to approach this subject and have failed because “love” is truly an intangible! I have several “love” books in my personal library and none of them adequately define “love” as my dad did for me. In my Creative Writing Course in college, my assignment was to define love. Dad and Mom had been married for at least 25 years at that time (Mom left Dad three days before their 62nd Anniversary – she moved to Heaven!), therefore, I felt that he could help. “Love is the tinkling sensation of the heart that can’t be scratched,” was his definition. It has been decades since I wrote this definition, and I still believe it is the most accurate one I have found!
However, today I want to talk about “Illusions of Love” that hinder a true loving relationship. Often what seems like love is merely an illusion of love. Illusions of love are created by the ego, which is interested only in getting its own selfish needs met.
Illusions of love take many different forms. For example, when both people’s selfish needs are met in a relationship, the ego feels as if it is on top of the world. This is called the “honeymoon period” of a relationship. It is based totally on “romantic love” or “Valentine’s Day love”. This illusion lasts only as long as both people’s needs are being met, and when either feels that his or her needs are not met, one or both “lovers” become frustrated, and this frustration often quickly turns into anger.
What once looked like love just a few days ago has no become a love/hate relationship. Whether we use words or not, we send to each other a message that “I will love you only so long as you give me what I want”. This is the basis of the illusion we call “conditional love”.
The ego knows fear, but it neither understands nor is able to experience love. The ego’s form of love is always conditional and is always an illusion. It has only one favorite theme: “I will love you if…” The emphasis is on “if”!
Through our egos, we often put out millions of “ifs,” or conditions for our “love”. As parents, we may send the message to our children that “I will love you if you get good grades at school, but I will withdraw my love if you bring home bad grades.”
Some parents, under the guise of love, say to their child as they start to beat him, “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. I am only hitting you for your own good, only because I love you.” In this way, parents teach fear rather than love and compassion. Much of the violence that is seem in adults come from those who suffered physical abuse when they were children. You know I am totally in favor of spankings because it says to the child (who is learning on the basis of “reward and punishment”) I truly love you, but abusive behavior must never be tolerated inside or outside the home, by parents or siblings!
Conditional love in families may be seen when a wife sends this message to her husband, “I will love you only if you start spending more time with me and the family.” Or conditional love finds its message when the husband says, “I will love you if you have sex with me tonight, and I will reject you if you don’t!”
The ego is ambivalent about love and does not see love as a way of sharing feelings of endearment, tenderness, caring, and gentleness toward our beloved. Love is often traded or bargained as a tool for controlling and manipulating another person to serve its own selfish needs. Even in marriage, love is used as a token to trade for financial security. That is often the underlying reason given for a lover to stay in an abusive situation.
When it comes to love, the ego believes that we always suffer from great scarcity. Relationships simply never work when they are based on this illusion. The ego’s image is that we have a “gas tank” for love, and its gauge is always hovering around empty, causing us to be constantly demanding a refill.
The ego does not want us to love ourselves. It would have us seek others to love us. It is much more interested in getting love than giving it. It frequently guides us into relationships when we have the illusion of getting something from the other person that is missing in ourselves. These are illusions of love based on a bargain or trade, such as, “I will be the strong one and make all the decisions if you promise never to criticize me or reject me.”
Conditional love is fueled by ego, but unconditional love does not mean supporting another person’s insanity or condoning hurtful behavior. It means a willingness to see past the body and its behavior and to choose to see the essence of love that is the spiritual being of that person. Unconditional love, however, does not mean that you simply put up with anothers behavior no matter what! People with healthy self-esteem, who love unconditionally, do not stay in abusive situations. The true essence of love is experienced not with illusions of love based on the drive to “get you some,” nor on illusions of love based on punishment of any kind. Unconditional love refers to the “content” of our love rather than the “form”. It means accepting the love of our spiritual self and choosing to look beyond the body and personality-self of the other person to see the spiritual essence within them.
Remember the Scriptural essence of love. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Let us develop a greater, deeper, and stronger love than simple “Valentine Love!”
