I have been a pastor for very many years and have helped to mold many people into the Christian we (they and I) believed would be God’s plan for them, individually and corporately. I have always believed that each Christian has a place in the Church and each Christian has to become fitted to take their place in the Church. This, I believe is the major task of each pastor and one I have taken very seriously.
I have found many types of people, but for this article, I want to emphasize some of what I have learned in dealing with people who feel inferior – the insecure. When I began full time ministry, after University and time with Uncle Sam, I accepted the task of Minister of Music and Youth in Southeastern Missouri. The church experienced great growth and I quickly developed a problem with too many people wanting to be a part of our Choir and too few places to seat them – I was limited to 50 voices. I hated the prospect, but I was required to have “try outs” to assign the fifty robes. We had many extremely gifted singers and a few that filled a robe but were not close to a microphone. One of the ladies who received a robe assignment was Judy Green. Judy’s contribution to our choir was that she always sang with great enthusiasm but rarely on key! She was extremely insecure but exceptionally expressionable and could inspire others to sing praises to the Lord like few others.
The first thing I learned about Judy was that I needed to focus on who she was not on what she did. She knew her talents were in areas other than singing, but she loved to sing. It took much more time for me to be constantly reassuring Judy that we needed her in the choir loft each service, and she was exceptionally faithful! When we cut a record, she was in the group picture on its cover.
My largest challenge with Judy was helping her to learn how to disagree properly. She took everything, especially about the choir, so personally that it affected her emotions. I needed to help her understand how to remove the emotions from disagreement and to understand that evaluating the situation never devalued the person she was and what she accomplished.
Allow me to share a crash course in proper disagreement concepts.
Proper disagreements are said at the proper time. Be careful not to disagree in the heat of the moment or when people are in a hurry, but take time when the pressure is off and the event is over.
Proper disagreements are aid in the right place. Disagreements are generally with only one other person. The issue should be shared with the one other person, rather than in a public setting. Public meetings are rarely the appropriate place to process disagreements.
Proper disagreements are said in the right way. When one has their emotions or ego tied up in the issue, save the issue for another day. Await a time when it can be addressed in a calm, reasonable way. Often, effective disagreement is lost because someone sounds angry and defensive. Remember, if the other person thinks you are mad, then you might as well be mad. It will be taken as coming from one who is very angry, whether you are or not, and will not be listened to constructively!
Proper disagreements are said with the right goal. The aim should be always to fix a problem, heal a hurt, or unite a group. In proper disagreement, the goal is to make everyone better. Strengthening or preserving a relationship must be the central priority. To prove one is right is always wrong!
Proper disagreements are never criticism. Criticism has a different goal – never to build up a relationship but always tear one down! Disagreements are said to you. Criticisms are said to someone else and maybe to you later. Our goal should be to encourage disagreements and discourage criticism. Criticism is, “I know better what you should have done, said, etc.!” Disagreement is, “Can we work this out and be Better TOGETHER?”
Proper disagreements never have a winning side. No one wins a disagreement. Instead, everyone works together to reach a solution to whatever the issue has become – which may not be what it started out being!
The easiest way to deal with insecure people is “to get them out of your hair!” But, when insecure people make a mistake, quickly affirm your commitment to continue your relationship with them. People need to be assured that it is okay to make mistakes and our response will always be to attempt to love, forgive, and provide grace for the person!
We must try to provide an environment where “love covers all wrongs” (Proverbs 10:12) and the person who “covers over an offense” promotes love (Proverbs 17:9). Anyone who has made a mistake can recover in this kind of environment, even if they remain insecure!
