Some of you remember that Pastor Joane and I were married in the Chapel. It was a Monday evening so we would miss the least amount of church activities. We honey-mooned at a bed and breakfast in Palacios and began what has been many blissful years together! Some of you did not begin your relationship by showing your future bride your “profit and LOSS” sheet, as I did. So often I have seen couples coming for marriage counseling who do not know their expectations of marriage and that makes it almost impossible for someone to fulfill those expectations.
Today I was talking with a counselor, who told me that she and her husband had been married 34 years and everyone who knew them can hardly believe it! “He is yang and I am ying! We like very few things alike. We agree on almost no food or places to eat. But the one thing that has held us together is that we both know commitment! I made a commitment to him and to God and he did the same and we are committed to keeping those commitments!”
How is your marriage? Does the question bring a smile to your face because it is one relationship in your life that is strong and uncomplicated? Is your marriage just another area of tension in your life? If your answer is the second, then you know firsthand how a stressful relationship can undermine your effectiveness and your well-being. Conversely, a well-connected relationship adds so much life and stamina that the impact is astounding.
The passionate love story in the Bible is found in the writings of Solomon. The Son of Songs depicts a deeply connected relationship. One of its foundational strengths is evident in this statement “This is my beloved, this is my friend!” The key is passion paired with the sustaining power of friendship and admiration. Together, let us explore some attitudes that contribute to a strong and well-connected relationship.
We are in this together! So much security comes from knowing you are each other’s high priority. This knowledge brings secure connection and confidence, in spite of the many demands of ordinary life. Communicate this by remaining available, keeping each other in the loop, and expressing positive regard toward each other. We all have so many things to accomplish that often we must divide to conquer. That is why it is so vital that verbally and non-verbally we express this mutual message: “I have got your back!”
I like who you are! Each one conveys admiration and respect to the other – both privately and publicly. Communicate love and respect, especially when you see things differently, and even when you do not agree. When inevitable tensions arise, discussion happens without judgment. It is okay to agree to disagree, but refuse to become disagreeable! Admiration is not false when you base it on the other’s incredible value in God’s eyes and in yours!
We connect spiritually! Find a common way to express your faith and grow spiritually. Even those who believe they have no faith have a strong one! There is no template for what it should look like because it is unique to each couple. Even though each of you has a preferred way of approaching God, it is important to develop a way of expressing your faith as a couple. The older one gets, the more spirituality will be important to them. Begin at the beginning of your relationship to have a place and a pathway to expressing your faith. Look for approaches that are meaningful to both of you and that bring a sense of fulfillment into the relationship.
We enjoy doing stuff together! Common interests and shared activities promote closeness, even if you feel like “yang and ying!” Bonds form when you have fun and laugh often. Do allow your busy life to dictate your every activity. While raising children, it is very easy to allow their activities to take prescidence over time together as husband and wife, but resist the business and carve out time for each other. Insist on making space for enjoyable times for just the two of you. Your shared activities can be as diverse as the universe. The possibilities are infinite.
I will be here forever! Your message of unyielding commitment brings security as you remind each other, “I am not going anywhere!” Confidence blooms when you know that at the end of the day, no matter what the day has brought, when the lights are off and everyone has gone home – and even when your dreams cease to exist and you have had to move one – you will still be together! Always remember, the longer you live together, the older you are getting! It will seem at times that nothing is the same as it was and that may be true, but the commitment should carry you through.
Strong, unwavering bonds are essential to your effectiveness in life and in the joys of marriage. A clear resolve to make it work goes a long way toward making the marriage strong and life-giving for the duration.
