A conflict in your marriage does not necessarily mean you have married the wrong person.
Allow me to give you an example: Five years into their marriage, Wayne and Melanie hit a wall. Wayne worked a grueling laminate flooring manufacturing job with 12-hour shifts and an erratic rotating schedule. Melanie stayed home to care for an energetic toddler and an infant who never slept well.
Because of the financial difficulties, the family moved in with Wayne’s parents. Money stresses resulted in the couple speaking to each other less frequently – simply to keep from fighting. In an effort to increase their income, Wayne joined the Navy. During the eight weeks of boot camp, Wayne and Melanie spoke on the phone only briefly twice each week. During the seven additional weeks Wayne attended a Navy training school, he had more freedom to talk, but not much to say.
Emotionally they were growing further and further apart and conversations were rough. They did not fight over the phone; they just did not have much to say to each other. When the six-year anniversary came, the family relocated to Pensacola, Florida for Wayne’s Navy job. It soon became apparent to both Wayne and Melanie that outside help was imperative if their marriage was to survive.
Many marriages dissolve when couples feel as though they have irreconcilably grown apart. Some begin to look elsewhere for companionship and allow friends of the opposite sex to become their emotional support systems. Part of the problem in marriage breakdowns is believing the myth that there will not be difficult times after a blissful wedding day! Many believe that married couples should be in unity and harmony about everything. People who mistakenly think there must be great chemistry to keep them together are more likely to vocalize the notion they have fallen out of love when a major conflict arises.
Unrealistic expectations are that marriage will make us happy and satisfy our deepest longings, that we will never have hardships together, and that being a Christian fixes everything. God intends for marriage to be enjoyable, but the relationship requires a great deal of sacrifice. Jesus is the model as a servant, but in a narcissistic culture surrender is not the norm. Many people look to their spouse to complete them, when in reality only Christ can!
All of us are filled with brokenness, and nowhere is that more exposed than when two people come together in marriage. We often end up pinning all our hopes and dreams for love, happiness, fulfillment, and acceptance onto another human being whose shoulders are not designed to carry that kind of load. No matter how faithful, smart, beautiful, and encouraging our spouse is, a spouse is not God! Subsequently, a husband or wife may grow embittered or disillusioned with a spouse who is not meeting desires only God can address.
Couples should never delude themselves into thinking they can change their spouse’s behavior after the wedding. We have no ability to make our mate into what we think he or she should be. The more we complain about our spouse’s shortcomings, the more we add to our own misery. Besides, God may not want to change the parts of our spouse we want to alter!
With more and more couples making the decision to live together without marriage, the ease with which divorce can be obtained, and with the rising belief that a marriage does not have to be between a man and a woman, marriage is far from God’s plan as depicted in Genesis 2:24. I believe marriage is woven into the fabric of creation. God set it up for a man and a woman to flourish in a covenant, not a contract; until “death do us part”, not just for a few years or until we are unhappy with each other!
Although Wayne and Melanie did not know if they wanted to stay in the marriage, they determined to persevere after their rough patch. They committed themselves to weekly counseling sessions for several months. Initially, they agreed to stay together “for the sake of our children”, but eventually, they realized their bond was because of their long-term commitment to one another. Soon they learned that truly open communication was an important element in marriage. To insure that no unhealthy relationships with co-workers or friends grew, the couple agreed to allow complete access to each others phones and email at all times!
Today, Wayne and Melanie spend more time together and work harder to find things to do that they both enjoy. Their time of struggles and surviving them has strengthened their commitment to each other. “Even in hard times, remember the good and be grateful for our mates, and through that strength and encouragement, our marriages will become stronger!”
